Stress-Free IEP® with Frances Shefter, Episode 88
The Power of Peer Support
In this episode of Stress-Free IEP®, host Frances Shefter welcomes Amanda Levin, founder of NeuroSpice Girls, a peer support and social group for moms of neurodivergent children in the greater Washington area. NeuroSpice Girls offers a private WhatsApp group, a Facebook community, and in-person gatherings to help moms navigate the challenges of raising neurodiverse kids.
Amanda shares that the group helps parents with real-time problem-solving, like finding resources during medication shortages. But beyond practical help, the most valuable part of the group is the understanding and judgment-free community it fosters. “It’s so important to be around people who just get it,” Amanda explains. Frances wholeheartedly agrees, recalling how freeing it is to be around other parents who don’t judge her child’s behaviors or question her parenting.
The Challenge of Isolation and Misconceptions
When Amanda’s son was diagnosed with autism and ADHD, she found herself in an isolating situation—she had no close family or friends experiencing the same journey. Like many parents, she faced a barrage of unsolicited advice: “If you just did this… If you just parented that way…” But traditional parenting methods, including behavior modification techniques, simply weren’t working for her child. It wasn’t until she discovered Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) that things started making sense.
Frances points out that many parents encounter similar struggles—people don’t understand that their neurodivergent child isn’t simply being defiant. Instead, their nervous system reacts differently to demands. Schools, too, often dismiss concerns by saying, “We don’t see that behavior here,” failing to recognize masking, where a child suppresses their challenges in structured environments only to melt down at home.
Amanda shares that part of her mission with NeuroSpice Girls is education—helping people understand that autism is a spectrum. Many people assume that if a child can make eye contact or talk, they can’t be autistic. Her son, for example, is a high masker—he excels at school but struggles intensely at home, which can lead to misunderstandings about his needs.
Parenting Neurodivergent Children: Picking Your Battles
Frances and Amanda discuss a key challenge: choosing battles wisely. Parents of neurodiverse kids quickly learn that enforcing certain rules (like wearing specific shoes in cold weather) might not be worth the struggle. Instead, they focus on what truly matters—ensuring safety while giving their children some autonomy over their choices.
Amanda shares a humorous but all-too-relatable example: her son insists on wearing Spider-Man sandals in freezing weather. She worries about how school staff might perceive this, but ultimately, she knows forcing the issue would only lead to unnecessary distress.
Frances recalls a time her daughter wanted to walk barefoot to the pool. Initially, she resisted, but after reflecting on the why, she realized that enforcing the rule wasn’t necessary in that context. “Not all rules make sense in every situation,” she explains. “We need to teach our kids why rules exist rather than blindly enforcing them.”
Fostering Self-Advocacy and Questioning Authority
Both Frances and Amanda emphasize the importance of teaching kids to advocate for themselves and question authority. While some parents worry that allowing kids to push back could make them rebellious, Frances argues that this skill is essential. “I want my kids to question things, to ask ‘why’—not just follow rules because that’s what they’re told.”
Amanda agrees, highlighting that society often forces neurodivergent kids into rigid structures that don’t accommodate their needs. Schools, in particular, expect students to “fit the mold,” but questioning why things are done a certain way can lead to necessary changes and accommodations.
Frances shares her experience advocating for PDA to be recognized in IEPs. While not all schools acknowledge it yet, she has had success getting the language and accommodations written into IEPs in some districts. Amanda notes that within her group, moms frequently exchange strategies for IEP and 504 meetings, reinforcing the power of peer support.
Navigating Public Spaces and Travel with Neurodiverse Kids
One of the biggest struggles for parents of neurodiverse children is managing public outings and travel. Frances recalls a stressful flight where her daughter became completely dysregulated while waiting to board the plane. Even though her family has travelled frequently, this one bad experience created anxiety about future trips.
Amanda shares a helpful tip: Reagan National Airport (DCA) offers sunflower lanyards, which signal to staff that someone may need additional support or accommodations. She encourages parents to take advantage of small adjustments that make travel smoother.
Public places like restaurants and movie theaters can also be difficult, which is why Frances and Amanda are brainstorming ways to create inclusive experiences—like renting out a theater for a private showing where kids can move freely and parents don’t have to worry about judgment.
The Birth of NeuroSpice Girls
Amanda started NeuroSpice Girls in September 2023, inspired by the term “neurospicy.” While the term has its critics, she personally embraces it, feeling that “neurodivergent” is too broad and impersonal. Plus, as a Spice Girls fan, she loved the playful pun.
Since launching, the group has grown to over 250 members, proving just how many moms need this type of support. Amanda emphasizes that the group is strictly for moms, creating a safe space for venting, sharing, and bonding. However, they are planning some kid-inclusive events, like the potential private movie screening.
How to Join NeuroSpice Girls
For moms in the greater Washington, D.C. area looking for support, NeuroSpice Girls offers:
- A private Facebook group
- A WhatsApp chat for real-time advice and support
- Monthly social and educational events
- A website (https://neurospicegirls.net/) listing upcoming activities
Upcoming events include a free salsa class and lunch, as well as an educational session on fostering positive sibling relationships in neurodiverse families.
Final Thoughts: You Are Not Alone
Frances wraps up the episode by expressing her gratitude for groups like NeuroSpice Girls. “It’s amazing to find your people—people who understand and support you, without judgment.”
Amanda agrees, adding, “Until you find that community, it can feel like everyone’s staring, everyone’s judging. But once you do, you realize—you are not alone.”
For more information on NeuroSpice Girls, visit https://neurospicegirls.net/. And as always, you can find past Stress Free IEP® episodes at https://shefterlaw.com/ or on YouTube, LinkedIn, and major podcast platforms.
Learn more about Amanda Levin:
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Stress-Free IEP®:
Frances Shefter is an Education Attorney and Advocate who is committed to helping her clients have a Stress-Free IEP® experience. In each podcast, Frances interviews inspiring people to share information, educate you, empower you and help you get the knowledge you need.
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